The universe

 They say that the universe matches your energy 

They say that if you think of what you want as something you already have it will come to you

I have always been of the belief that if you put in the right amount of effort things will eventually fall into place… that’s why I sometimes feel helpless because some things that I want are not one sided… what’s partially within my control is to help him find a job. Some days I turn that into my full time job, mostly to say that I did my part and help myself calm down. I am consistently bothered by the thought of “what if I didn’t do enough”.. what if a job came up and I didn’t flag if and that was the job that he could have got. It’s a battle between me myself and I. When I get in that mode, I become unstoppable and spend hours in a row looking and messaging people. I think I am done w doing that for now… I think at this point I have reached out to every single person that could possibly help… the rest is up to the universe 

I sometimes have moments where I wish we could both relax and enjoy the summer since there is another job that’s in the works and will happen if all the stars align… but there is also the doubts of what if it doesn’t…

Khodaya shokret 

Hello…it’s me

 I’m feeling much better. Thanks for asking 

Lui qui me fait tourner dans le vide

 They say that you shouldn’t mind angry ppl so much because they are probably going through something 

I think back of all the times that I judged my “bipolar” x-bf thinking he is moody … one day he was happy and the next minute he was bringing up something from the past to make me upset.. and now I have turned to that bipolar person myself constantly bullying my husband to the point that he has to walk on eggshells w me otherwise I would freak out and say something mean. The reality is that he doesn’t even have to do much… just seeing him triggers me. And the worst part is that I don’t think a shrink can help me… I have so much anger towards him that just seeing him on its own triggers me. I can’t say I hate him because I don’t . He is extremely sweet and caring so it’s hard to hate him… although that on its own angers me. Sometimes I secretly hope that I will push his buttons enough to make him want to leave. But the thought of that makes me sad too. I feel trapped, unable to breathe… I can see myself getting older day by day, physically and mentally, it’s draining, and this is what I have chosen, and I don’t know how to run away from it

Sometimes there is hope.. but not much.. my forecast of my marriage doesn’t have a happy ending, it will be another 50 or more years of misery and growth 

Last year I decided to tolerate it for another year thinking that by this year things will be better… but they are not… they are even worse than what I thought was the worst

I am at the bottom again… we had been good for a while, maybe a month or so, but here we are again

Sometimes I think maybe by next year this time things will be better… but even if they are I’ll be too old to care… and all the anger and resentment and doom that I forecast… the future is not bright, it’s dark and I have accepted it… and I am speechless that this is the life that I have created for myself 

Sometimes I think that we should have a serious talk and maybe even end things.. why are we together anyway? What do we have in common exactly? Maybe if I continue to attack him with my words he would eventually leave and I won’t have to explain anything 

Speechless

 Va in manam tako tanhaa, dar astaneyeh viranegi, empty is how I feel

I never imagined that I would ever relate to this statement. It was a thing of the past that I looked at with a smile thinking it was cute that I felt that way at some point,  then look at how much I have grown and how much of a life I have built for myself, and smile

I don’t know if you have ever gone on vacation with someone who is depressed and tried to have fun… I don’t know if you know how hard it is to go through all those emotions w them and try to not let them bring you down… and then listen to them list all the reasons why they are sad and depressed, and understand why they are, and think how doomed you are to be in a relationship with them, wanting a baby… and then thinking you are crazy for wanting a baby with this person… and think these days will pass and all will be good… and then worrry that even if they pass they might come back, and then just watch Netflix and try not to think about the misery… and how thankful you are for some things and how angry you are at other things… and not wanting to feel anything… and putting your head again under the sand, perfectly knowing rhat your years are passing by, the years that are supposed to be the best years of your life, and you may be childless forever, and thinking oh well that’s my destiny, feeling trapped by your choices, feeling like you are drowning, going back to watching Netflix and wait for another day with a rollercoaster of emotions that don’t seem to ever end, but you are hopeful… although you are afraid…

Beh omideh tolooeh farda

The funniest and saddest part is that he wants me to sing him a song about all the reasons why I love him.. and I can’t help but think of all the reasons I don’t… at least for now… at least for today.. I want to give myself permission to just be and not fight it 

And this is how I spend my week off…

I hate to sound like a victim…I know every day is a gift and I can choose to focus on the good or bad bluh bluh bluh… but for now I just want to be sad… extremely sad

Khoshko pajmordeh

 Har rooz yeh khabareh bad… in hafteh kheyli stressful bood… har ettefaghi oftad mesleh hamishe khodamo andakhtam vasato khastam komak konam… digeh hich energy e azam baghi namoondeh az inhameh stress o badakhlaghio afsordegi… hey be khodam migam baa moodeh oon to zireh aab naro vali kheyli sakhteh

Delam barash misoozeh chon kheyli barash sakhteh vali bishtar az oon delam barayeh khodam misoozeh keh too in sharaayetam… vali baz fekr mikonam bara oon sakht tareh… nemikhaam beh shaayado agar haa fekr konam

Emrooz dashtam tajassom mikardam ke cheghad khoob mishid ageh mitoonestam be tarafe sahel ghadam bezanamo az pelleh haa pain beram too yeh otaaghe sardo khonak baa fereshteh haai ke faghat oonja doro varam bashano beh harfam goosh bedano seft baghalam konano began hameh chi doros misheh

Yeh soaleh jeddi

 Ino minevisam keh ya yeh roozi behesh dar ayandeh negah konamo bekhandam (mesleh kheyli az postayeh digam dar gozashte keh daghdagheye oon lahzaro neshoon mideh keh alan bamaze o khandeh daareh) yaa inkeh behesh negaah konamo geryeh konam (mesle bazi az posta ke alan fekresho mikonam jeddi boodi bayad jeddi migereftam vali sar sari azash gozashtam).

Vaaghean baa shohari keh badaz 18 saal az karesh zadeh biroon barayeh khoshhalieh to keh bahat biad be shahret va badesh digeh na tooneste kaar peida kone na jooneh gashtan donbaaleh karo dareh, bayad chi kar kard? Haan? Yani do saaleh kaameleh ke dore khodemoon darim migardimo hanooz hichi taghir nakarde be gheyraz moohayeh saremoon keh har rooz sefid tar mishe o feshar khoonemoon ke har rooz balatar mireh. In filmeh ashkaa o labkhandaas? Yani khodaish 80% mavaghe nemidoonam chi kar konam gheyraz bordane saram zire zamin mesle shotor morgh

Ehsas mikonam levele game yeho az easy parideh beh difficulto hamash daram mibazam. Yani omido nooro imaan dashtan yeh taraf, jer khordan yeh tarafe digeh

Midoonam zendegi hamineh vali kash yekam mature tar boodamo behtar mitoonestam tasmim begiram 

Ageh pasfarda khol shodam bedoonid chera!

Yani baayad kheyli roshan fekro bozorgo fahmideh bashi keh too in sharayet bemoonio bejangio farar nakoni… 

Tarsidano farar kardan kheyli asoone vali man ke do sal sabr kardam, inam roosh

Digeh harfi bara deldaari nadaram, na barayeh oon, na barayeh khodam. Ghablana fekr mikardam doros mishe vali alan hamash fekr mikonam, doros misheh???

Dard haam be andaazeyeh khoshi haam hastan: har ro ziaad! Pas hanoozam migam: khodaya shokret