Lui qui me fait tourner dans le vide

 They say that you shouldn’t mind angry ppl so much because they are probably going through something 

I think back of all the times that I judged my “bipolar” x-bf thinking he is moody … one day he was happy and the next minute he was bringing up something from the past to make me upset.. and now I have turned to that bipolar person myself constantly bullying my husband to the point that he has to walk on eggshells w me otherwise I would freak out and say something mean. The reality is that he doesn’t even have to do much… just seeing him triggers me. And the worst part is that I don’t think a shrink can help me… I have so much anger towards him that just seeing him on its own triggers me. I can’t say I hate him because I don’t . He is extremely sweet and caring so it’s hard to hate him… although that on its own angers me. Sometimes I secretly hope that I will push his buttons enough to make him want to leave. But the thought of that makes me sad too. I feel trapped, unable to breathe… I can see myself getting older day by day, physically and mentally, it’s draining, and this is what I have chosen, and I don’t know how to run away from it

Sometimes there is hope.. but not much.. my forecast of my marriage doesn’t have a happy ending, it will be another 50 or more years of misery and growth 

Last year I decided to tolerate it for another year thinking that by this year things will be better… but they are not… they are even worse than what I thought was the worst

I am at the bottom again… we had been good for a while, maybe a month or so, but here we are again

Sometimes I think maybe by next year this time things will be better… but even if they are I’ll be too old to care… and all the anger and resentment and doom that I forecast… the future is not bright, it’s dark and I have accepted it… and I am speechless that this is the life that I have created for myself 

Sometimes I think that we should have a serious talk and maybe even end things.. why are we together anyway? What do we have in common exactly? Maybe if I continue to attack him with my words he would eventually leave and I won’t have to explain anything