Happy “first” mother’s day

 It’s a debate that I’ve been struggling with since 2023… but what I believe in my heart is that you become a mother when you find out you are pregnant… it’s a love that grows in the heart instantly that can’t be shaken off

So happy third mother’s day to me… first one with my rainbow baby 💕

Being a mother is a true privilege… you become more of everything… mostly good things 

Monster?

 I can be cruel sometimes 

I didn’t mean to

I overheard the meeting conversation and I was just trying to tell him how to improve for next time… I didn’t know he would be so offended. In my opinion it was an easy fix but I guess not. Now I feel sick to my stomach that he went to bed so early

I don’t want to be mean… I won’t be mean if I learned to mind my own business. I hope he feels better now and gets a good night sleep 

Pov

 What great power it is, to be able to see other’s pov

He didn’t apologize (of course) but he said he was really tired today… and when he is tired he can’t think… I know he said that in his defence which makes the whole thing a bit better but I can’t not express my feelings 

The mature thing for him would have been to say “I’m sorry you felt that way. I was tired today etc. And will try to make up for it next weekend” rather than yelling at me and walking out.

Ok I need to calm down and go to sleep. Good night

Lesson of the day

 Sometimes a part of you must die to allow you to continue… but staying positive will bring hope and things to make you realize that, at the end of the day, it’s all worth it 💕

I’m always cleaning up after you

 Let’s see for how many more years he uses this card when I complain about something 

“You should help more with the baby”

“You should pay more attention to me”

And many other “complaints”

“I’m always cleaning up after you”

He also said that I should consider myself lucky… I should have got another guy to realize how amazing he is

Usually he is ok… and by ok I mean he is doing a bit more than the bear minimum to be considered a good husband and a father but he thinks he is the best

Today he changed her diaper twice and fed her once… on a Sunday… 

But despite all of this, I am incredibly grateful… and I’m glad that I spoke up

I am a woman… I expect things to happen without me having to ask for them… otherwise I turn into a child… and since he is also a child he rarely “gets” it and takes it lightly… he usually says the title and walks away

Anyway, there is nothing that her smile can’t heal

My one and only…

 I thought I would be more indecisive about whether I am ok with just having one… but my girlie is not “just” one… she is THE one… my heart is constantly on the verge of explosion… thankfully my husband is out of the crazy phase and we are kind of starting to enjoy life… I am just grateful that the crazy phase is over and I am proud of myself for the way I handled it… I have been in a way scarred for life but I have hope… i keep being a skeptic but he continues to surprise me and prove that he is a good husband 

Mi corazon

I read this somewhere and it really resonated w me, particularly those first few weeks: “I'm convinced the newborn bubble is heaven on earth. Your whole body aches. You're running on zero sleep. You're learning your brand new baby. And yet, it's the most magical thing in the world.”

I wish i could feel the same about my husband and my marriage… I am trying to feel numb towards it so I can enjoy motherhood. Is that bad?

I just sometimes get really tired and mainly sad about his indifferent attitude and his sadness and depression… I sometimes picture a happy family where the husband and wife are happy together, smiling, hugging, kissing and holding their baby … but I know that’s not my reality and it might never be… so instead of focusing on that I try to soak up the love I have for her and these days that I will never get back and numb myself about how I feel about that… I know it could always be worse… but I made a choice and I have to live with the consequences… that’s my responsibility 

Tired of apologizing

 I need support 

Tired of feeling guilty about what I am saying to him

Tired of him not feeding her properly and then him passing her onto me to deal w her cries

I know he is “trying” but why do I have to deal with the mess that comes after?

And on top of that he is pushing me to give her breast milk… instead of telling me that it’s my choice

And he tells everyone that this is really hard and complicated even though she is a little angel… just because the formula and breasmilk make it too complicated FOR HIM!

They say you shouldn’t judge and let people feel what they feel

And on top of all of that he keeps nagging me about how much stuff/shit we have and how tired he is of receiving amazon boxes… like 10-20 times a day… and then he calls me a liar for not throwing out the formula i had left out by mistake and then put in the fridge … because i told him i forgot to throw it out and he tells me i can’t forget things like that!

I wish I could disappear for a day and take a break… not from her but from him… he is draining my energy 

The truth is I don’t even want to take the 1 month pictures with him anymore… I am just so tired.. and he doesn’t want to take them either. I will tell him tomorrow that he doesn’t have to… I am just so tired of crying because of him… maybe being a single parent is easier after all! 

Oops… I’ll just give her more formula

 No excuses… just raw feelings

I know that to anyone watching what he does is unacceptable… but I guess that’s just men… or some men. They are just dumb

Don’t get me wrong. He has been also amazing and I even tell him that myself. He has been so good to both of us. Even the “oops” moment was not intentional. And I know that you can’t make men a “loser” and ask them to apologize… but these are my raw feelings… I just hate it… I spend my time and energy pumping and I am already stressed and trying to keep calm… is it too much to ask that he at least gives me a hug and apologizes? This is not an “oops” moment… it’s a mother trying to feed her baby nutritious food and not just formula…

Update

 Dirooz roozeh kheyli khoobi bood

Khodaro shokr keh hamsaram harfamo goosh mikoneh o tasmim gerefte chand rooz be akhbar negah nakoneh

Dirooz khoshhal tar bood ya hadde aghal intor vanemood mikard

Beh man ke kheyli khosh gozashto yek roozeh khatereh angize khoobio ba ham separi kardim

Khodaya shokret