Change?

 I thought life was good

I thought we are starting new

The funny thing is that I hadn’t really even done anything differently

Things had naturally got better abd I thought I was crazy for ever doubting my marriage 

I can tell myself that I shouldn’t drown on the days that it’s his low but I just can’t 

Now that I have the knowledge maybe I can seek therapy… I think that’s the only way to make this marriage work

A marriage that started with lies… I never thought I would marry someone w official mental health issues… but here we are

Life is hard as is… why spend it w someone who brings u down?

As I said he is not always like this… but when he is he is awful 

There’s nothing to celebrate

 It’s been just awful 

He’s been awful 

I don’t want to celebrate my anniversary 

I’m only happy that I’ve got her

I can numb myself however much I want and convince myself that I should be happy … and then be

Maybe another lifetime I’ll choose someone who will make me feel loved 

Someone less crazy

Someone less sad and depressed 

Someone who is less serious 

His red line is being messy… and I am messy… and he is always mad… and that’s our life

Kids and marriage

 It’s been difficult being both 

I must admit that since she was born, I have been more of a mom than a wife 

I don’t know what will happen but it’s hard for me to feel in love when I’m constantly being annoyed 

 I would say I’m 85% responsible for the baby… and sometimes I don’t even want him to take over so I can take a break… I constantly feel annoyed and on the edge… not just w him with most ppl

I wish I could go back to  how we were before moving here… especially before getting married…. Before I saw this version of him… 

I think he has the right to be angry at me too… I wish I wasn’t so addicted to my phone 

Being a mother

 When you become a mother, your identity changes. I am no longer a person who lives for myself, I live to serve the part of me that lives outside of me. I do everything to keep her happy without getting too obsessed… I have been given a gift to raise and protect.. nothing is about me anymore and it’s all about her. If I had to fly to the moon to give her a better life I would 

Happy “first” mother’s day

 It’s a debate that I’ve been struggling with since 2023… but what I believe in my heart is that you become a mother when you find out you are pregnant… it’s a love that grows in the heart instantly that can’t be shaken off

So happy third mother’s day to me… first one with my rainbow baby 💕

Being a mother is a true privilege… you become more of everything… mostly good things 

Monster?

 I can be cruel sometimes 

I didn’t mean to

I overheard the meeting conversation and I was just trying to tell him how to improve for next time… I didn’t know he would be so offended. In my opinion it was an easy fix but I guess not. Now I feel sick to my stomach that he went to bed so early

I don’t want to be mean… I won’t be mean if I learned to mind my own business. I hope he feels better now and gets a good night sleep 

Pov

 What great power it is, to be able to see other’s pov

He didn’t apologize (of course) but he said he was really tired today… and when he is tired he can’t think… I know he said that in his defence which makes the whole thing a bit better but I can’t not express my feelings 

The mature thing for him would have been to say “I’m sorry you felt that way. I was tired today etc. And will try to make up for it next weekend” rather than yelling at me and walking out.

Ok I need to calm down and go to sleep. Good night

Lesson of the day

 Sometimes a part of you must die to allow you to continue… but staying positive will bring hope and things to make you realize that, at the end of the day, it’s all worth it 💕

I’m always cleaning up after you

 Let’s see for how many more years he uses this card when I complain about something 

“You should help more with the baby”

“You should pay more attention to me”

And many other “complaints”

“I’m always cleaning up after you”

He also said that I should consider myself lucky… I should have got another guy to realize how amazing he is

Usually he is ok… and by ok I mean he is doing a bit more than the bear minimum to be considered a good husband and a father but he thinks he is the best

Today he changed her diaper twice and fed her once… on a Sunday… 

But despite all of this, I am incredibly grateful… and I’m glad that I spoke up

I am a woman… I expect things to happen without me having to ask for them… otherwise I turn into a child… and since he is also a child he rarely “gets” it and takes it lightly… he usually says the title and walks away

Anyway, there is nothing that her smile can’t heal

My one and only…

 I thought I would be more indecisive about whether I am ok with just having one… but my girlie is not “just” one… she is THE one… my heart is constantly on the verge of explosion… thankfully my husband is out of the crazy phase and we are kind of starting to enjoy life… I am just grateful that the crazy phase is over and I am proud of myself for the way I handled it… I have been in a way scarred for life but I have hope… i keep being a skeptic but he continues to surprise me and prove that he is a good husband