Speechless

 Va in manam tako tanhaa, dar astaneyeh viranegi, empty is how I feel

I never imagined that I would ever relate to this statement. It was a thing of the past that I looked at with a smile thinking it was cute that I felt that way at some point,  then look at how much I have grown and how much of a life I have built for myself, and smile

I don’t know if you have ever gone on vacation with someone who is depressed and tried to have fun… I don’t know if you know how hard it is to go through all those emotions w them and try to not let them bring you down… and then listen to them list all the reasons why they are sad and depressed, and understand why they are, and think how doomed you are to be in a relationship with them, wanting a baby… and then thinking you are crazy for wanting a baby with this person… and think these days will pass and all will be good… and then worrry that even if they pass they might come back, and then just watch Netflix and try not to think about the misery… and how thankful you are for some things and how angry you are at other things… and not wanting to feel anything… and putting your head again under the sand, perfectly knowing rhat your years are passing by, the years that are supposed to be the best years of your life, and you may be childless forever, and thinking oh well that’s my destiny, feeling trapped by your choices, feeling like you are drowning, going back to watching Netflix and wait for another day with a rollercoaster of emotions that don’t seem to ever end, but you are hopeful… although you are afraid…

Beh omideh tolooeh farda

The funniest and saddest part is that he wants me to sing him a song about all the reasons why I love him.. and I can’t help but think of all the reasons I don’t… at least for now… at least for today.. I want to give myself permission to just be and not fight it 

And this is how I spend my week off…

I hate to sound like a victim…I know every day is a gift and I can choose to focus on the good or bad bluh bluh bluh… but for now I just want to be sad… extremely sad