See you soon eshgham

 دل من سیاه ست ولی آبی رو خیلی دوست دارم

روزهای روشن آفتابی رو خیلی دوست دارم


باهوای تو تویه کوچه های دل واپسی غروب مبهم سرخابیو خیلی دوس دارم

با خیاله تو اگه باشه خیالی ندارم
شب تاصبح گریه و بی خوابیو خیلی دوس دارم

می دونم داارى میای عمریه بیقرارتم
انتظاره تو و بیتابیو خیلی دوست دارم

دوس دارم طناب ماهو بگیرم بالابرم
واسه این شبای مهتابیو خیلی دوست دارم

Man yek aadam aahani nistam

 Man yek zanam

Poraz eshgho ehsasat

To nemitooni harchi mikhay beh man begio do deghe bad keh khodet halet khoob shod behem begi keh masalaro ziad bozorg nakonamo ashti konim

Man yeh adam ahani nistam

Man beh zoodi yeh madar mishamo delam mikhad dokhtaram betooneh beh raahati raajeh beh ehsasatesh sohbat koneh

Dalileh geryam chieh? I was looking forward to seeing him after two days. I even offered to uber him home and warm ip his food. When he walked in I kissed him and said welcome back. He looked tired and hungry but happy to be home which is what I expected. I know my husband and he is not the type to give ne a tight hug and look me in the eyes to say I missed you… which is fine

Then he started inspecting the home to see what has changed which is fine too

Then he asked why things were in different places and i explained to him which he understood but for whatever reason he got a bit annoyed 

Then i saw him moving stuff around without washing his hands so i reminded him to do it and he said “well u never do it. Do u promise to wash ur hand every time u get home in the future” and that was it… u might say what a silly fight but that’s all it took… up until that point i was fine and understanding but that was my limit

I responded “no. I don’t want to argue w you”

And then he said fine and continued moving stuff around without washing his hands

Then i left him alone… i had warmed up his food but obviously there  was no way i would take it to him

I just microwaved it so he hears the beep and started washing the dishes as if i wad scared of what he’s gonna be angry about next… then i went to his room and put away my clothes… once he was done eating he came to me to ask how my weekend was to which i replied “fine” and he was like oh it’s the end of the night and ur grumpy so ill leave u alone… and i didn’t say a thing… then he came back and hugged me and asked me to let it go

I would have loved to let it go but i can’t… then he came and kissed me … and asked me to say the three words and i said no… then he asked me if i love him and i said yes

I know to him it’s so silly and may be to u as well… but once i get upset (because i was looking forward to seeing him va haalamo gereft) i am just crying and don’t want to ket it go although i know it’s not logical… im even planning on continuing to be grumpy in the morning… but will be much better once i go out and come back (i think)

It always takes me almost 4-5 days to shake this type of anger… why? Really not sure but I don’t want to change… or maybe i do… because logically i know it makes no sense but i have to respect ny feelings 

Is it because i felt disrespected and that’s my “red line”? Maybe

All i know is that all our fights are “small” and sooo silly but they just hurt me so much to my core it’s really ridiculous… is it the pregnancy hormones or just me? Is it too much to ask not to be talked to in that way?

I even told him a few days ago that I consider to be always happy in this relationship and the only time i get angry is or sad is when he is upset at me… this is 100% factual and i guess he does his best but can’t always be happy w me? 

I know that he is “depressed” and i should stay away from him 2-3 days a week because on those days he carries such a dark aura around him that it’s sickening… he says something like “i’m not happy” … then i ask why and immediately regret it. The first time he said it, which was just before we got married, it shocked me and for the first time i lost my sense of security w him because up until that point i thought there is nothing that will ever make him question wanting to be w me … i knew nothing about his depression (diagnosed by me!) and I was very very naive 

I have come to terms and acceptance on many fronts but sometimes it’s an old wound that rips open… 

Maybe I’m in denial or maybe I’m happily married? Only time will tell

I’m just so thankful for everything… khodaya shokret

The reason for my independence

 I always try to really get to the bottom of the issue and find my responsibility in everything that happens 

Tonight was a reminder of why I want to be independent: people can’t take responsibility or do what they are asked to do without at the end of the day needing me which makes me wonder why I ever asked them to help to start with

So in the moment this is my response: if I could go back in time I would have said no to their offer to help and just hired someone to do the work

BUT maybe I need to get to the bottom of this: I think I didn’t communicate my expectations. I should have said now that they are making the food they are responsible for setting it up and coming up w how they want to set it up. I did not want to have anything to do with making the food or setting up the food. Yes I did keep sending them ideas and at one point may have even said I will take care of the required dishes etc. 

I did tell them that I am getting my hair and makeup done starting at noon implying that I will not be available to help. But of course it was misinterpreted and somehow they thought i would be done in time to go w them and start helping them at 2. When did I offer to help them at my place or at the event?? I don’t know! My responsibility: lack of clear communication 

Although I am grateful that they are “helping” I don’t appreciate the fact that they stressed me out. I always think, if someone put me in charge of doing something i would get excited about it and make it beautiful specially if it’s my sister… but I guess all of that got lost because they thought i want it done a certain way and that i will tell them what to do

The truth is i am very disappointed and angry… yes they are still helping tomorrow but they are stressed and unhappy which makes me go back to what I said above: i wish i had just hired a caterer…

Really hard to find people you can rely on… but ok… my fault… my lack of communication 

But now you know why i do things myself and don’t ask for help… maybe because i am a bad communicator 

Chand bar shode keh komak khaastam vali aakharesh beh ghalat kardan oftadam… 

Tomorrow will be beautiful and magical regardless… it’s a day of celebration for the little miracle that’s within me and I can’t express how grateful and happy i am