Are they listening?

 I feel like I am being watched and tested…. And I keep failing… over and over again

Most of the times I am as sad as I am happy… both a lot… I never knew that it’s possible to be both… equally 

Sometimes I think about Christmas… and how good it was… and how awful it was… and that’s how I feel now… both at the same time 

It’s a funny thing to not have control over something and spending all your time thinking about how you could possibly gain some control… how many doctors you have to see, how many pills you have to take, how many procedures you have to do, to get to a place that most people get to accidentally or with no effort 

And then a part of you wants to believe that everything happens for a reason… and then you get numb, then you get sleepy and fall asleep and try again tomorrow

I am beyond grateful but I feel like I am running out of time