Harf baraayeh goftan ziaadeh vali...
Che faydeh?
Bayaanesh chizio taghir nemideh... Daastaano sad bar moroor kardam... Man eshtebaah nakardeh boodam... He misled me...
Before I came back the first time everything felt wrong... I felt like I was fighting for something that didn't exist anymore... And coming back proved me right... Something did feel awkward and different... But I justified it by thinking to myself that it's just part of the difficulties of the long distance and it will get better after I come back... At that time there was two months left... Less than a week after I went back I received another message about how difficult long distance is for him... I asked him to make up his mind... I felt like I had suffered enough in the past 40 days that I couldn't take it anymore... But then he gof mad... And I calmed him dowm... I didn't know why I was trying so hard... Well I knew... It was because I liked him so much.... From the beginning he had told me how much he hates long distance and because of that I had never been able to express my feelings to him in words... Or even in action... Every move I made and everything I said was based on knowing that he hates long distance and this may not work out... So I never wanted to approach him, I always let him come to me even at times that I wanted so badly to go to him... I let him express his feelings and I would not say anything... So I decided to tell him in the middle of our texts that I had feelings for him... Maybe that's when things got worse... To tell someone how you feel about them through text when you are in a long distance is not a good idea... But he kept telling me he can't 100% trust me... And I thought if I tell him how I feel he may feel better... I even changed my profile pic to a pic of him and I... All to gain his trust... Which I now don't even think was an issue... The part I don't get is why he wanted me to come back in November... If he really didn't want to be with me why ask me to come back and then tell me he wants to put things on hold... 4 weeks before I return... Those 4 weeks passed and then he messaged me saying he wants to pick me up... Why? It's hard to beleive it was all a play... My feelings were real... The first night I asked who is Sarvenaz... He said just a friend... But the reality is I didn't care if it was sarvenaz... I cared if he was with someone at all... If he haf told me then at that moment I'd have acted differently... I wouldn't have been so welcoming... Although the truth is that I didn't care that much... Things were on hold... So it was ok if he had decided to be with someone else... That's when my confusion began... I assumed he wants us to get back together but that wasn't the case... I found out 2 days after... Was he really w his friend the next night or another girl... Even thinking about it makes me want to throw up... But now I finally get why I had been confused... He knew that I wanted to come back to a relationship so why would he pick me up from the airport and want to sleep with me if he knew by that point he doesn't want me in his life anymore... I guess har gol yeh booyi daare... It was all a disgusting game...The whole thing feels like it was planned and it feels disgusting... I hope I can wake up one day and not feel like throwing up from thinking about these memories... He didn't say a word about the details of when things changed and if there was a reason... That's what I want to know... But he will never tell me because he wants to be the good guy ... He said so himself... None of his gfs think of him as a bad person... He ended things "nicely" with them so they never bothered to find the difference between deception and sincereitty.... Regardless, I am only left with feeling of love because the before my departure in September which felt real is the only part that mt brain dares to thibk about... I mau not get an explanation... But I do hope I get an apology for 3 months of "suffering" followed by more suffering after coming back
Bayaanesh chizio taghir nemideh... Daastaano sad bar moroor kardam... Man eshtebaah nakardeh boodam... He misled me...
Before I came back the first time everything felt wrong... I felt like I was fighting for something that didn't exist anymore... And coming back proved me right... Something did feel awkward and different... But I justified it by thinking to myself that it's just part of the difficulties of the long distance and it will get better after I come back... At that time there was two months left... Less than a week after I went back I received another message about how difficult long distance is for him... I asked him to make up his mind... I felt like I had suffered enough in the past 40 days that I couldn't take it anymore... But then he gof mad... And I calmed him dowm... I didn't know why I was trying so hard... Well I knew... It was because I liked him so much.... From the beginning he had told me how much he hates long distance and because of that I had never been able to express my feelings to him in words... Or even in action... Every move I made and everything I said was based on knowing that he hates long distance and this may not work out... So I never wanted to approach him, I always let him come to me even at times that I wanted so badly to go to him... I let him express his feelings and I would not say anything... So I decided to tell him in the middle of our texts that I had feelings for him... Maybe that's when things got worse... To tell someone how you feel about them through text when you are in a long distance is not a good idea... But he kept telling me he can't 100% trust me... And I thought if I tell him how I feel he may feel better... I even changed my profile pic to a pic of him and I... All to gain his trust... Which I now don't even think was an issue... The part I don't get is why he wanted me to come back in November... If he really didn't want to be with me why ask me to come back and then tell me he wants to put things on hold... 4 weeks before I return... Those 4 weeks passed and then he messaged me saying he wants to pick me up... Why? It's hard to beleive it was all a play... My feelings were real... The first night I asked who is Sarvenaz... He said just a friend... But the reality is I didn't care if it was sarvenaz... I cared if he was with someone at all... If he haf told me then at that moment I'd have acted differently... I wouldn't have been so welcoming... Although the truth is that I didn't care that much... Things were on hold... So it was ok if he had decided to be with someone else... That's when my confusion began... I assumed he wants us to get back together but that wasn't the case... I found out 2 days after... Was he really w his friend the next night or another girl... Even thinking about it makes me want to throw up... But now I finally get why I had been confused... He knew that I wanted to come back to a relationship so why would he pick me up from the airport and want to sleep with me if he knew by that point he doesn't want me in his life anymore... I guess har gol yeh booyi daare... It was all a disgusting game...The whole thing feels like it was planned and it feels disgusting... I hope I can wake up one day and not feel like throwing up from thinking about these memories... He didn't say a word about the details of when things changed and if there was a reason... That's what I want to know... But he will never tell me because he wants to be the good guy ... He said so himself... None of his gfs think of him as a bad person... He ended things "nicely" with them so they never bothered to find the difference between deception and sincereitty.... Regardless, I am only left with feeling of love because the before my departure in September which felt real is the only part that mt brain dares to thibk about... I mau not get an explanation... But I do hope I get an apology for 3 months of "suffering" followed by more suffering after coming back
posted by TolooehFardaa at
1:14 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home