Because I have to!

This is what my niece says when we ask her why she's doing something that she shouldn't be doing! lol

I was away for a week.....went to Alberta w my friend.... kinda liked it there.... or as I sometimes tell myself: anywhere but here! Don't get me wrong...... I love my family...... but maybe I need a big distraction like a completely different environment to get me out of my mood.....

I woke up this morning and cried for maybe an hour after texting "him" because he just doesn't get me and we are so different! He had sent me a pic with his friends and I told him that he's so much more handsome than his friends.... and he got mad saying that wasn't a nice thing to say! lol.... ok ok I agree.... maybe it wasn't ... but I was just trying to give him a compliment :( .... this is childish I know..... but I got so pissed off thinking we will never be right for each other.... I don't know why I like him.... perhaps I should somehow try to let go (and here we go with the tears again as I write this sentence!!!)

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.... It's been 4 months and I haven't even had an interview..... how would you feel if you had a master's degree and didn't find a job? I tell you: it's a sh*tty feeling!

I just don't know what to do or where to start .... I have all these ideas in my head....... one minute I think I should go and live in TO for a few months.... next min I feel like I should call my aunt in Europe and ask her if I can go and live with her for a while lol..... but then I realize if I do that and I get an interview I have to fly back and let's face it: I'm not that rich!

I know non of these ideas are good....I'm just trying to run away from myself... which is perhaps something that one needs to do when they get to this stage..... but the thing is that I don't know if/how happy I will be if I go to Toronto or Montreal! And don't ask me why I don't want to go to Ottawa..... it's so strange.... even though HE lives there and I want to see him I don't want to seem desperate... and he does make me mad all the time, and that's the last thing I need! I just need to go away and just be.... :)

My head hurts because of so much crying and I waited so long to go for my walk that it started raining again!!!! But I have to go for my walk..... I can't stay at home...... I will apply for more jobs tomorrow......

PEACE OUT

PS the whole point of writing this was to say that I HAVE TO stay happy and smile cause I can't afford not to.....I can't affor to drawn in the water... I can't afford to be sad.....I can't afford to be anything but happy.... so here: :) because I have to!