Daaram divooneh misham #2

Well not really ........

(It's funny that this was the title of my post on Jan 1st.......... when I was in love? Or I better say I had a crush on someone..........caz right now he means less than nothing to me!)

I'm going crazy.............the thought of letting go of someone so perfect aches my soul........ I'm not sure what it is that hurts me the most............the fact that I hurt him and his feelings or the fact that after letting him go I got so confused about who I am and what I am and how I can be so senseless! I can't even message him to apologize.......... apologize for what? why should I message him and let him think of me once more when I'm really done with him? Why do I check his profile everyday? Why do I go online to see if he's there? Why do I say to myself "I'll just say hi to him and leave caz I'm too busy?"........

The only reason I want to talk to him is still because I think that he's so perfect........... why didn't I let myself fall in love? Why did I have no feelings for him? Why? That is my question! How could I like him and his characteristics so much and not feel even one bit for him?

He made me realize something.........I'm mad at him for making me realize how senseless I am........where are all my feelings? Why have I trained myself so hard to let go?

That's my problem........... I have truely trained myself to let go of people..........including family members.........so I can easily move away if I decide to do so........... and with friends it's even easier......... I need to fix this.......... I need to fix myself! I dislike this.............being needy is better than being independent like this................ or ............is it?

I'm so confused!