What I gotta do to make you love me? What I gotta do to make you care?

By you I don't mean you......... I mean me! What do I have to do to make me love me? I really don't know

I feel like I'm on the verge of crying every second of my waken moment.......... but I obviously don't cry caz there's no point of crying....... I'm just really sad that I'm so indifferent and not excited about anything anymore....... tears......... sigh......... chi begam........ just sad sad sad!

I feel like I'm changing in a way since my birthday....... I'm trying to explore myself........ I feel this emptiness inside...........since I'm not in love with anyone anymore........ I feel lost .......... none of the songs I listen to (that are about love) make any sense to me at all!! like 0............ I think I have completely given up on love........ and I'm perhaps trying to convince myself to get used to the idea........ that's why I feel lost..... I don't know what to think of "guys" anymore......... I truely don't

And sense I've turned 24 I think I'm old enough to talk about sex without puting in starts in the middle s*x or se* .. or using another word....... like intimacy........

anywyas......... let's talk about the 3 letter word! (I did it again ........... o well........ )

So I haven't experienced it of course........and I haven't even kissed anyone.......... or I haven't even really held anyone's hand or anything......... so that is kind of unusual.......... and I haven't really ever tried to explore myself in that way........ some say it's weird........... do I have to see a doctor? Maybe I should.........but I won't.............. as you know I do like being different........ maybe someday I will break the world's record ...... or maybe I already have.... who knows......... I have really truely never thought about relationships in that way........... yes I do like tall muscular guys........ but just because I feel more safe around them.......... and they do give me the fuzzy feeling of "Oh I'm so cute caz I'm shorter and smaller and he can love me because I'm such a doll" ........ lol.......... anyways........ I just really wanted to mention that here caz I have been thinking about it for the past couple of weeks and I guess the conclusion is to never ever go out with a guy caz they will never understand such uniqueness ...... lol..... or caz I do really know that it's not attractive at all to be this inexperienced......... so ...... yea ...........whatever..........

a few more things that I wanna say before going to bed

1) I'm going to LA ......... excited? no......... happy to be experiencing something new? hmm .........a little...........

2) I'm getting a nose job! woohoo........... I've booked my appointment and taken the days off from work for recovery.......... I will look a bit different 2 monthes from today........ kinda scared of how it's gonna turn out........ but excited? YES ............. and just to add ....... I am not self concious about my nose ......... it's not something that bothers me......... but since I've always had a sense of working on myself toward becoming perfect I felt like I had to take this step caz it's a big step toward reaching my goal.............. who knows........ maybe it will boost up my self confidence a bit....... and maybe just maybe it will make me like myself a little bit more!