Unwinding my thoughts....
I've decided to analyze myself every month to figure out how I change as I get older ........
Love wise:
I have improved. Until last month, I did not think that true love exists. I mean I was 100% sure that it does not exist. But that percentage has changed from 100 to 50! I donnow why, but some things have happened that make me believe in the possibility of being loved by 1 and loving them forever. So my theory of multilovawl has kind of failed.
So I'm trying to think of what changed it?
I guess BUS (2 days) and then her guy *.........
Like wise:
I can not believe this but I am getting some of my old FEELINGS back! This is so weird. I used to be known as the "kissy lovy huggy" kind of child because I was constantly trying to jump into everyone's arms and kiss them when I was a child ( yes, even the lady who said to me that I was cute on the bus, believe it or not I didn't wanna let go of her when we were getting off the bus..... my parents still, to this day, make fun of me for doing that and that's why it's hard for them to believe that I'm the way I'm today) ....well not exactly a "child"... before I come here at the age of 13.... all that changed to a point where I didn't even wanna hug my own mom !!!!
Anywayz, eventhough I still don't feel like showing any of those kinds of emotions towards my family (god only knows why... seriously.. I donnow!!) , I have what I think is almost an urge to hug some people at work. Do not laugh, but one of them is a tall gay guy, the one who's, as I've mentioned before, so easy to talk to!! And the other one is a girl who alwayz listens to my stories and stuff. Actually I dont wanna hug the girl anymore because I've told her too much about myself that I feel like I should stay away from her for a while, fearing that she has seen the weakness in me. and since she knows the real me she probably thinks that I'm a crazy needy person!!!!
Thinking about education wise:
VERYYYY confused, hopeless, I am refusing to think about it and I'm refusing to ask god for help. I don't even .... ok I don wanna say it but yea.... It's just bad, specialy these days because people keep asking me at work about what I do and what I wanna study in september, and everytime someone asks it feels like someone is squeezing my brain, and it hurts. In answer to them, I say, "well, I studied to years of commerce at college, but then couldn't transfer because of my low marks, so I'm just gonna take a few elective courses at UBC next year until I figure out what I wanna do" .... then they give me that look that shows they're thinking, "oh so you are one of those people who went to college and was too stupid to get good grades" ...
sometimes I get angry and start telling them my whole story .... well I have made myself an excuse for not getting a good grade...actually it's not an excuse it's the truth ....
I tell them about how I was taking 17 credits in the first term, and working about 20 hours a week. That's why, despite all the effort I made, I wasn't able to get good marks at the end of the semester, and was depressed, maybe up to this day, and barely passed my courses in the second term.
This is the story that I have come to believe in, I'm just refusing to think of myself as someone who is stupid!!! :(
Looking for a job wise:
I had applied for a lot of receptionist positions and as soon as I went for an interview for one, I just KNEW that I can not work in a quiet office as a receptionist. I don't care how much they pay, I can not imagine myself sitting there alone, thinking about all my problems for another year, while answering the phone and typing things in the computer! No way I can do that, I will go absolutely insane.
Quitting my job now, in order to get a better one, seems like an impossible thing to do! The people at work are like my second family now and leaving them would be like a nightmare!
Conclusion:
I'm a mess! I have no idea what I wanna do or who I am. I would like to keep my mind occupied by going to work almost everyday and reading novels whenever I get a chance, even on my 15 minutes breaks. I just don wanna think about me. I'm sure I will regret this one day, but oh well, what can one do.
This is the situation:
There is a bridge that connects two lands together. You can see the lights across the bridge. While standing in the darknesss, you feel like you are way too sleepy to cross the bridge, afraid that the lights will wake you up, you go back to sleep.
Love wise:
I have improved. Until last month, I did not think that true love exists. I mean I was 100% sure that it does not exist. But that percentage has changed from 100 to 50! I donnow why, but some things have happened that make me believe in the possibility of being loved by 1 and loving them forever. So my theory of multilovawl has kind of failed.
So I'm trying to think of what changed it?
I guess BUS (2 days) and then her guy *.........
Like wise:
I can not believe this but I am getting some of my old FEELINGS back! This is so weird. I used to be known as the "kissy lovy huggy" kind of child because I was constantly trying to jump into everyone's arms and kiss them when I was a child ( yes, even the lady who said to me that I was cute on the bus, believe it or not I didn't wanna let go of her when we were getting off the bus..... my parents still, to this day, make fun of me for doing that and that's why it's hard for them to believe that I'm the way I'm today) ....well not exactly a "child"... before I come here at the age of 13.... all that changed to a point where I didn't even wanna hug my own mom !!!!
Anywayz, eventhough I still don't feel like showing any of those kinds of emotions towards my family (god only knows why... seriously.. I donnow!!) , I have what I think is almost an urge to hug some people at work. Do not laugh, but one of them is a tall gay guy, the one who's, as I've mentioned before, so easy to talk to!! And the other one is a girl who alwayz listens to my stories and stuff. Actually I dont wanna hug the girl anymore because I've told her too much about myself that I feel like I should stay away from her for a while, fearing that she has seen the weakness in me. and since she knows the real me she probably thinks that I'm a crazy needy person!!!!
Thinking about education wise:
VERYYYY confused, hopeless, I am refusing to think about it and I'm refusing to ask god for help. I don't even .... ok I don wanna say it but yea.... It's just bad, specialy these days because people keep asking me at work about what I do and what I wanna study in september, and everytime someone asks it feels like someone is squeezing my brain, and it hurts. In answer to them, I say, "well, I studied to years of commerce at college, but then couldn't transfer because of my low marks, so I'm just gonna take a few elective courses at UBC next year until I figure out what I wanna do" .... then they give me that look that shows they're thinking, "oh so you are one of those people who went to college and was too stupid to get good grades" ...
sometimes I get angry and start telling them my whole story .... well I have made myself an excuse for not getting a good grade...actually it's not an excuse it's the truth ....
I tell them about how I was taking 17 credits in the first term, and working about 20 hours a week. That's why, despite all the effort I made, I wasn't able to get good marks at the end of the semester, and was depressed, maybe up to this day, and barely passed my courses in the second term.
This is the story that I have come to believe in, I'm just refusing to think of myself as someone who is stupid!!! :(
Looking for a job wise:
I had applied for a lot of receptionist positions and as soon as I went for an interview for one, I just KNEW that I can not work in a quiet office as a receptionist. I don't care how much they pay, I can not imagine myself sitting there alone, thinking about all my problems for another year, while answering the phone and typing things in the computer! No way I can do that, I will go absolutely insane.
Quitting my job now, in order to get a better one, seems like an impossible thing to do! The people at work are like my second family now and leaving them would be like a nightmare!
Conclusion:
I'm a mess! I have no idea what I wanna do or who I am. I would like to keep my mind occupied by going to work almost everyday and reading novels whenever I get a chance, even on my 15 minutes breaks. I just don wanna think about me. I'm sure I will regret this one day, but oh well, what can one do.
This is the situation:
There is a bridge that connects two lands together. You can see the lights across the bridge. While standing in the darknesss, you feel like you are way too sleepy to cross the bridge, afraid that the lights will wake you up, you go back to sleep.
posted by TolooehFardaa at
5:17 AM
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