Sigh

 اشکایی که بی هوا رو گونه هام میریزه

قلبی که از همه ی خاطره هات لبریزه
دلی که می خواد بمونه ، تنی که باید بره
حرفی که تو دلمه اما ندونی بهتره
بیخیال حرفایی که تو دلم جا مونده
بیخیال قلبی که این همه تنها مونده
آخه دنیای تو ، دنیای دلای سنگیه
واسه تو فرقی نداره دل من چه رنگیه

Feeling a bit better but woke up very upset 

Ashk haayi ke bi seda roo gooneh haam mirizeh

 Naakhaasteh

Bazi moghe ha in ashk haa saraazir mishan vaghti man trigger misham

Hameyeh khashmam miaad baalaa… khashmi ke hamisheh hast vali dar roosh basteh shodeh keh khodesho borooz nadeh… in khashmeh keh tabdil beh in ashk haa mishe keh saat haa tool mikeshe taa ghat besheh

Va aadami keh too cheshm haam negaah mikoneh o in ashk haaro mibineh o daro mibandeh o mireh, yaadaavareh digeyi az tamameh afkaar haa o ehsasati keh khafeh shodan va ejazeyeh biroon oomadan nadaaran

Chera? Chon in zendegieh keh man khodam entekhab kardam. In adamieh keh man entekhaab kardam. 

Vaghean nemidoonam dar ayandeh chi besheh vali man hameyeh talashamo mikonam. Ehsaas mikonam too in donyaa chiz haayi hast keh darkesh sakhteh vali man dorosto ghalato midoonam va raaheh “dorosto” pish migiram. Raaheh dorost chieh? Ghabool kardaneh in aadam hamintor keh hast

Hamisheh bad nist agar na nemimoondam

Jalebish ineh keh man ba khoshhalish khoshhal misham… par dar miaaram. Vaghti keh khoshhaleh zogh mikonam keh beram pishesh… vali engar ta mano mibineh oonam yeho yade hameh ghamo ghosseh haash miofteh o khashmgin taro khashmgin tar misheh

Man darkam kheyli baalaast.. hesse adamaa ro mifahmam.. midoonam keh oonam az inkeh intori hasto tanha hast naaraazieh… va bazi mogheh ha ba man dardo del mikoneh… masalan emshab migoft keh sakhte barash keh gharareh yeh hafte mehmoonash bian… man ino dar morede oon midoonam keh 3-4 rooz maxeh tahammolesheh… vali natoonestam khodamo control konamo behesh goftam barat moteassefam ke nemitooni az didaneh khanevadat khoshhal bashi… va goftam be jayeh inkeh begi khoshi ha tamoom shode o sarma o badbakhti too raaheh beh dashteh haat fekr kon… va natoonestam khodamo negah daramo goftam ageh mikhay negaraneh chizi bashi ke arzeshe negarani dashte basheh negaraneh khanevadat bash keh dareh senneshoon bala mireh o shayad hamisheh intor nabashano tavanayieh oomadano didaneto nadashteh baashan.. ghadreshoono bedoon

Midoonam in harfam dard dasht vali bazi moghe ha az deldarish khasteh misham… az in hameh negaraniash khasteh misham… az in hameh energyeh manfish khasteh mishamo mizanam be simeh akharo nemitoonam khodamo control konamo harf haayeh nish daar mizanam…

Alan do saateh keh daram geryeh mikonamo ashkam band nemiad…

Delam nakhast emshab paa roo in ehsasatam bezaramo be khatereh inkeh darkesh mikonamo delam misooze beram bahash ashti konam… midoonam in yeki az zafaayeh maneh keh ba inkeh ghamginam dalghak bazi dar biaram ke tarafe moghabelo khoshhal konam… vali emshab delam khast too ghameh khodam beshinam… ba inkeh logicam migeh intori bishtar khodeto narahat mikoni… emshab kheyli lajbaaz shodam

Beh omideh tolooeh farda

Two sides of me

 Me: I’m not gonna think about it. It’s out of my control. Everything will work out. Everything happens for a reason. What you focus on expands. Take a deep breath and let go.

Me next second: googling things like crazy, reading about all the worst case scenarios and crying like there is no tomorrow!

To be transferred to my journal

 Today was the day to hear about the results

I was just trying not to think or worry about it too much

I am thankful to god that everything is mostly normal… but need to get some extra tests done to make sure the growth stays on track

I must admit that I feel a little nervous but I’m going to do my best to stay positive. I only have 19 more weeks on this journey and I want to try to enjoy it as much as possible